Tri County Recovery

html

PDF Letterhead

PDF Booklet

epub

Moderator:

In taking the Ninth Step, we act on the knowledge that what we do really matters—that our actions have consequences in the world, for good or ill. The damage we did in our addiction is cleared away not only by honestly admitting what we have done, but by committing to setting things right. Reaching out to others to acknowledge and heal the wrongs of the past brings us freedom and serenity in the present. We call this process making direct amends. In Step Nine we make our best effort to contact the people we have harmed, admit the wrongs we have done them, express our remorse, and offer some kind of reparation. Most importantly, we change how we behave today. We do our utmost not to repeat the behavior that caused harm in the past, and we communicate this resolve to those we’ve hurt.

Volunteer Reader

Many of us find ourselves worrying about the reactions of those to whom we make amends, hesitating to proceed with this step because of our fear. We can rely on our Higher Power to be with us throughout this process and to grant us the courage we need to move forward. Our part is to make the amends, without taking responsibility for the reactions of others. Some of the people we approach may accept our amends with understanding and forgiveness, and others may not. The response of any particular person, positive or negative, is not a measure of how well we make our amends. The success of our amends depends only on how honestly and thoroughly we make them.

Moderator:

The Ninth Step can be a project of some magnitude. We work this step only when we have a strong foundation built on the preceding steps. Rather than be overwhelmed by the number of people on our Eighth Step list, or all of the harm we’ve done over the years, we simply make amends to one person at a time. Each person and situation has much to teach us. We can take our time, patiently dealing with the challenges we are ready for, and trusting that we will become ready for others in the future.

Volunteer Reader

Throughout this process, we are mindful of our motives in making amends. Effective amends are as selfless and sincere as we can make them, with no hidden agendas. We want to be sure we are not using the amends process as an excuse to re-engage with people who prefer not to have contact with us. We also guard against using Step Nine as an opportunity to defend our past behaviors or to burden others with detailed confessions in order to relieve ourselves of our own guilt. In all cases, we check to see whether we are acting out of selfishness, simply in order to feel better, or from a desire to be liked and admired for having changed our ways.

I will read the prayer and would all who care to, join me in saying Amen at the end of the prayer.

Moderator:

Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Volunteer Reader

We need to exercise good judgment here. We seek the counsel of our sponsor and other members who have experience working this step. Rather than rushing into premature amends, we take the time to get clear about exactly what we are making amends for and what harm we think we caused in each situation. We also take time to clarify our emotions before we proceed. An attitude of humility and sincere regret for the harms we have done will carry us far. For each amends, we also decide whether it is appropriate to make contact with that person, how much we reveal to the person, and whether we put ourselves at risk when we make amends.

Moderator:

If we have good reason to believe that we will do someone harm by making contact, then we refrain. Sometimes we might ask through a third party if contact for an amends would be appropriate. If the answer is no, we need to show our respect and stay away. If we contact a person we have abused, it may need to be through someone that person knows or under the supervision of a professional who can make the interaction safe. When it comes to those we have harmed through sexual abuse or illegal behavior, we should be very cautious about harming them again, not even offering to make amends unless we’re certain they would welcome it.

Volunteer Reader

We are careful about how much we reveal in our amends. To those we have harmed in the past that are not close to us today, we need not explain that we are sex addicts. Revealing our disease is less important than taking responsibility for the harm we did, and may actually distract us from focusing on our amends. We also use judgment about how specific we are when making the amends. Going into great detail about our sexual behavior, for instance, might do more harm than good. Instead, we can share the general pattern of our hurtful behavior, taking our cue from the person to whom we are making amends if more detail would be helpful. We are fearless, however, in revealing those consequences of our behavior that directly affect the other person, such as if we have exposed him or her to a sexually transmitted disease. Throughout this process, we carefully examine our motives, always balancing the willingness to take full responsibility for our wrongs with care and concern for the wellbeing of those we have harmed.

Moderator:

We usually don’t need to put ourselves at grave personal risk when making amends. Some of us committed serious offenses in our sex addiction. Admitting to them can have dire consequences for us, as well as for our loved ones. Before we take action, we look at those we may harm in the process, including ourselves. On the other hand, we don’t want to leave room for rationalizations. We consult with our sponsor, and perhaps an outside professional, before attempting to make amends that could have legal consequences. Ultimately, after praying to our Higher Power for strength and guidance, we come to our own decision regarding such amends.

Volunteer Reader

When setting things right, we consider what would be appropriate in each case. If we took money or property, we do our best to replace it. If our behavior has caused psychological harm, to our children or others, we can offer to pay for therapy. If we were distant and neglectful, we can make ourselves available and emotionally present. Many situations are more complex than this, requiring prayer, careful thought, and consultation with our sponsor. It is often helpful to ask the people we harmed what they think we should do to help make things right. We bear in mind that we can’t always fully repair the harm we’ve done; nothing can change the past. This does not keep us from doing our best to set things right in the present. Many of us have seen great healing occur in ourselves and our relationships from even seemingly inadequate acts of reparation.

Moderator:

If we cannot make our amends directly, we can still take meaningful actions. We may, for instance, donate time or money to an appropriate charity or institution. It may be best to make our donations anonymously, in the spirit of our newfound humility.

Volunteer Reader

In the case of those people who are deceased, we can still write letters to them, containing everything we would have said to them if they were alive, and then read these letters to our sponsor. We can remember such people in our prayers and allow their memory to motivate us in our new way of life. In all cases where we cannot, for whatever reason, make direct amends, we grieve our losses and then use our experience to make better choices in the future.

Moderator:

Despite our best efforts and intentions in working this step, regaining the trust of those we have harmed is usually not a quick or easy matter. In our addiction, many of us apologized over and over to our loved ones, only to repeatedly harm them again. Our apologies will be seen as sincere only when it becomes evident that we now live differently. Often it takes longer for the people hurt by our behavior to trust us again than it takes for us to make significant progress in our recovery. In some cases, trust may never be restored. We can only make amends to the best of our ability, and leave the rest in God’s hands.

Volunteer Reader

In the long run, the most effective amends we can make to others and to ourselves is in our commitment to recovery. Some call this making “living amends.” We find we can redress the wrongs of the past by not hurting those we have harmed, or anyone else, in the same way again. As we complete our Ninth Step, we know we have done everything in our power to clean up the wreckage of our past and move forward with our slates clean.

Moderator:

By continuing to stay abstinent and work the SAA program, we commit to maintaining this new freedom from the consequences of our acting out. We become accountable for our behavior. Our relationships improve, both with those we have harmed in the past and with new people in our lives. We see that we are becoming better people, and we begin to experience a new sense of self-worth. We feel free to live in the present and enjoy our lives, no longer having to carry a load of despair, resentment, and fear.

Volunteer Reader

Working Step Nine brings us many gifts: true empathy for those we have harmed, compassion, self-respect, and respect for the humanity of others. God willing, we may experience the forgiveness of those we have harmed. If we have been diligent in our amends, we will certainly grow in self-forgiveness too. As a result of accepting responsibility for the harm we have done, even to those who may have hurt us, we glimpse new possibilities for loving and forgiving others.

Moderator:

Our faith in our Higher Power increases when we realize that we’ve squarely faced the wrongs in our past, made amends for them, and received the gift of a better future. The process that began in the Fourth Step, and culminated in the Ninth, now becomes a part of our lives, a daily stance, a practice that will keep us sexually sober and spiritually connected. We will now take Step Ten.

Moderator:

At the discretion of the moderator the format for week 4 will vary.

The format may be a speaker meeting, a discussion meeting with discussions on the Step or, discussion on items in general. If this is a discussion meeting on Step 9, go to the next page, otherwise refer to the Week 4-5 supplemental bulletin. Sometimes there will be a reading from a pamphlet.

The pamphlet Making Amends and why it is so important attached at bottom.